Lonely

Sometimes all i need is some care and concern.

random thoughts

It's just me i guess. Sometimes, it might be lame and stuff, sometimes i hope you will lame back, or even laugh when it is not funny, at least I have a supporter nevertheless. Well, I guess I am here on this earth to bring joy into people's life, but then again who is going to bring joy into mine?

LOVE

You never want to be the first person in the relationship to say “I love you,” especially if the relationship is brand new. Or do you? What if you already know four months into dating someone that you love them? They are the person you think about before you go to bed at night and you fit together so well and you can totally see yourself with them for the foreseeable future. Is that love? Is it lust? What should we call that weird space between “I like you” and “I love you”?

We are afraid to say “I love you.” If you throw yourself out there and drop the L-bomb and the other person is just not feeling you that way, the relationship can get sour. Or what if you’re the person waiting to say “I love you” but you’re too scared to just take the plunge and it’s driving you crazy to keep this big secret?

“I love you” has always been a difficult thing for me to say. It’s not that I’m incapable of loving people, but I didn’t grow up in an overly warm household and a lot of that probably rubbed off on me. My mother was always distant even when she was right there in front of me, and sometimes all I wanted was for her to tell me that she loved me, to make me feel loved. It never happened, and I always felt like the unloved child of the bunch until I learned to start loving myself. So now when I get into relationships I’m almost never the first person to say “I love you,” even if I know I’m bat shit cray cray/head over heels for him. It’s not great, I know, but I’m one of those people who just assumes that the other person knows how I feel already. I always do cute little things and drop subtle hints so they know I care. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they?

After about a year of dating someone, give or take a few months,
you enter that space where it’s kind of expected that one of you is going to drop the L-bomb. Maybe you’re trying to get out of the relationship and you hope that he or she doesn’t say it because then you’ll be forced to fake some kind of passionate response, or maybe you’re looking forward to the moment and the great sex you’ll have afterwards. No matter how it goes, saying “I love you” for the first time to a new person is big.

But does it have to be? Love, as we know, is a “four-letter word that has been tragically co-opted by the romance industrial complex.” It’s become this special word engulfed by chocolates and heart shapes that we are supposed to reserve for few people when the truth is that over the course of our lives we will have many loves.

Saying you love someone and feeling loved are two of life’s greatest feelings, but we shouldn’t feel nervous about telling people we love them and we shouldn’t get freaked out when somebody says it to us first. Maybe we should all love each other on our own terms. If somebody says “I love you” and you’re not sure how you feel, instead of being awkward, you should honestly tell them, “I think you’re amazing and I want to keep doing this but I’m just not there yet” and that should be okay. If they know how you feel, maybe that’ll get them to tell you how they feel that much sooner.

If you read this somehow, I hope you will find the guy that you will say "I love you" for the bottom of your heart. I am glad that I have the chance to say it to you. 

Out of the way

As we all know, few things have grown more worn down and shoddy with overuse than the words “I love you.” When strung together, you could elicit everything from what a couple says before they slip a ring onto each other’s finger, all the way to a sorority girl’s proclamation to the roommate she’s “married” to on Facebook. The term has lost some meaning. So, though they may be a bit cumbersome, I propose a few new terms that more succinctly get to the heart of the matter. This, my friends, is true love.

“I would pick you up at the airport at 7 AM, not even the airport that’s closest to me — the one you have to take 1-95 to get to. I’d go there even if there wasn’t a McDonald’s on the way to get some hash browns and McMuffins. I would settle for gas station breakfast on the way because that’s how much you mean to me.”

“If you are 99 percent sure you’ve discovered the coworker who isn’t flushing on the second floor bathroom, and have further deduced that it’s the same one who has been bad-mouthing you to your boss, I will let you talk about this. I will listen to your corporate Sherlocking for at least 20 minutes, despite the fact that literally none of this story is engaging to an outsider. I will help you plan ways to catch him not flushing, and simultaneously use this information against him with the boss. We will be a team.”

“No matter how incredibly lackluster your mother’s cooking is — and despite the fact that you’ll never fully understand this, as you’ve grown up eating Shake-N-Bake and lettuce with literally just oil and white vinegar on it — I will always be game to go eat at your parents’ house. I will always help her prepare the potatoes (which she will proceed to simply boil and put on a plate), and be kind and respectful to her wishes. I will compliment, but not so much it seems fake. (Though I may secretly eat a burger later that night — I am only human.)”

“I will spend weeks — maybe months — before Christmas trying to think of something really special to get you. I will get extremely excited wrapping the gift, and learn to deeply hate myself, as, once again, I didn’t cut enough paper for one side and the corner looks like it got into a fight with a pair of scissors and has to be stitched up with Scotch tape so its innards don’t fall out all over the operating table. I’ll still get all pumped when I’m handing it to you, I’ll just tell you not to look at the left side.”

“Because I know doing dishes fills you with some kind of inhuman rage, and though it’s not my favorite thing in the world, it doesn’t drive me to suicide — I’ll do the dishes. I’ll put some music on and do the entire sink. I’ll even even go back to finish the pans after I let them soak, universally recognized as the truest sign of dishwashing dedication.”

“For no one else, but for you alone, I will allow my music to be touched. You can change it and put on something that makes me question the entirety of human history — how could it have possibly led to a man on the moon, a vaccine for polio, and this horrendous song? — but I’ll listen to the whole thing and even maybe bop my head a little to the left and right. A little.
”

“I will suddenly look at all the things in life that seemed incredibly lame — going to bed early, making complex plans for the future, and driving out the country just to be in an empty house — and think they seem kind of, well, tempting. I’ll want to start constructing things that will last for a long time, and coming back to work on them more later. My horizons will extend beyond brunch this weekend, and I’ll start actually using that horrendous panda calendar my aunt bought me.”

“I’ll realize that I’m not the only person in the world. Little by little.”

I guess this is love when you would go out of the way to do something for the significant others even i you have to forgo sleep etc just because their happiness is also your happiness. I guess it goes to show how much the other partner meant to you. Talk is cheap, if you dont show it or say it, no one will ever know.

Go tell someone that you love them. Go tell them that they are important, and that you are glad to be a part of their life. Make plans with them, and keep them. Hug them just a few seconds longer than we usually do when we see someone that we haven’t seen in a while, even if it feels weird at first. It’s not weird. It’s the best thing we can do to hold someone tight enough that there can be no doubt as to how much they matter in this world. Hug the ones who are there for you, who surround you so completely that you can sometimes forget they are keeping you warm. 

Treasure them when they are around, dont wait till they are gone.

SEEING YOU

I guess you never notice since I get to see you almost everyday, maybe you grow sick of me? I dunno. But i guess I did bring joy into your life, making you smile when you are down, pissing you off even more when you are piss. But at the end of the day, when the night falls, you are all that I have in mind. And seeing you is always the favourite part of my day. (:

Have you found someone like this? If you have stop cheating yourself, your heart, and whatsoever, drop everything now, and chase after them. 

time to say goodbye?

Maybe....

你是我最深愛的人

妳是我最深愛的女人.我是不是妳最深愛的男人?

Is that why I am in love with you?

I’m in love with you because you’re lovable. If you were to be put in a line-up of people and someone asked me, “Who would you love the most?”, I would pick you. You know why? You have kind eyes. You have eyes that make everyone else’s look dark and scary, including mine. How does one even get kind eyes? How do I convey warmth and vulnerability all in one glance? I guess I’ll just leave to that you. You’re the nice one in this relationship. You’re the one who makes me want to be more empathetic and stronger.

I’m in love with you because you make me feel safe. It sounds corny and vague. People always talk about feeling safe with someone and you wonder what it even means. I still don’t really know. All I know is that when I’m with you, I feel like I’m clutching a giant thing of pepper spray or reliving a moment of being carried to bed by my parents when I was five years old and fell asleep in front of the television. All day long, I can feel fragile, like a raw nerve, and when I come home to you, it’s like I just put on the thickest winter coat and installed bulletproof windows in my apartment. “Honey, I’m home….and no longer terrified.”

I’m in love with you because I’m not obsessed with you. This is a distinction worth noting, one that took me a long time to learn. In the past, I would confuse obsession with love. If I felt things intensely and regarded my lover as a mentor, it would mean that I was in head over heels. They were all the way up there and I was down here, studying them like a dutiful pupil, and that dynamic felt comfortable to me. That wasn’t real love though. Real love isn’t rife with inequities. I’m in love with you because you’re my equal. We’re on the same page. It’s stable, unlike obsession, which is inherently erratic.

I’m in love with you because you’re my best friend. When people hesitate to call their partner their best friend, I’m incredulous as to why. Shouldn’t we all be falling in love with our best friend? By saying this, we’re not diminishing the value of our platonic friendships. They’re incomparable and exist in completely different realms. You need both to feel fulfilled.  I need you, I need them. I need it all.

I’m in love with you because we aren’t afraid to fight. Relationships shouldn’t be a series of highs and lows but they shouldn’t be completely even either. You need to have disagreements in order to know that your love is strong, that it can survive trivial resentments, the debate between whether or not to get hydrangeas or lilies, chicken or steak, an action movie or a romcom. What these tiffs illustrate is the art of compromise. I’m beginning to realize that a big part of love is just relinquishing control and giving up your right to be a total brat. The idea should be that you love them more than any surface decision. You’re fine with being unhappy about the action movie, so long as they’re happy and you know you’ll be rewarded with an extra long orgasm later so it’s fine. Give and take, give and take.

I’m in love with you because you’re the peanut butter to my jelly. Ew, see what you’re making me do here? Yeah, love makes you behave like a complete sap and not give a F about it. It’s refreshing to not be so self-conscious about your behavior 24/7. You can just use your “I’M IN  LOVE #sorrynotsorry” card whenever you see yourself go over the deep end. Here’s the thing: There’s nothing more rewarding in this world than knowing that you’re being understood. Someone is seeing all of you and accepting it as is. “I’ll take the one with the beautiful dents that likes to cry at commercials. I see potential in this one.” You take me and I take you. Sold.

Sitting alone at starbucks, listening to Yiruma, studying, people watching, thinking about life could be therapeutic after all. ((: 

Love is not obsession. 

Date someone who cares about you.

You should be with someone who values your time and calls when they say they are going to, who shows up on time to a date or texts you if they are going to be late. Spend your time with people who aren’t too important to look up from their phone and stop texting when you are speaking or who know not to answer unimportant calls when you are together. Someone who politely apologizes for taking that important call and knows who to pick up for. Someone who also knows that their parents and their grandparents are important in their life, too, and has a good enough relationship with their family to pick up when they call. Someone who still tells their mother or father “I love you,” even when they are in public, and who can’t wait to tell you, when the time is ready.

Date a person who is chivalrous, not as in “into patriarchy, paternalism and/or oppressing you” but as in someone who isn’t afraid to show they care about you. No matter your gender, be with someone who wants to open the door for you, just to smile as they watch you walk through it, and someone who lets you do the same for them. Someone who will pull out a chair for you or stand up when you leave the table, not because it’s expected of them socially but they want to show you how much your company means to them. Someone who wants to walk you home, not only to make sure you are safe but also because they want to spend more time with you and smile at you as your smile disappears behind the door. Someone who will wait up to hear you got home safe if they can’t walk you home and will ask you to walk them home, because they want to feel protected by you, too.

Seek out a mate who isn’t afraid to hold your hand or put their coat around you when you look cold, who knows that Public Displays of Affection aren’t as important as knowing you are cared for, even in small ways. Put your energy into a person who puts their energy and effort into you, someone who will buy you flowers if you like flowers or knows exactly what book you would want on your birthday. Someone who has listened to your opinions, your hopes and your desires enough to know the things you like and the things you don’t like, the correct ways to show you they care. Someone who knows to ask when you want to be held and caressed and when you want your space, when you want to have sex and what consent is. Someone who knows how important the word “no” is.

Date a person who tells you nice things about yourself and builds up your confidence but challenges you when you need to be challenged. You deserve to be with those who know when to argue and to call you on your bullsh-t, but also know when signals from you tell them to leave you alone and let it be. Someone who won’t let you go to bed angry and is willing to talk about what’s bothering you, if even what’s bothering you doesn’t quite make sense or seem that important to them. Someone who knows that personal relationships aren’t as simple as who is right and who is wrong, that your opinion and perspective are valid, even when the two of you totally disagree. Someone who knows you aren’t always right and they aren’t always right but are willing to affirm the person your belief system, because your opinions are a part of the person they adore.

Spend time with people who don’t make you choose between being friends and being lovers, who you feel like you can genuinely have fun and be comfortable with. You need to be able to be casual, hang out in your pajama pants and be like buddies sometimes, while also valuing the romantic side of your connection. Someone who (when you get that far) understands what balance is in a relationship, that sometimes you need to go out and do your own thing. Someone who trusts you to make your own choices and to come home and be with them at the end of the night without the need to interrogate you, or if you are in an open relationship, someone who always trusts that your connection is stronger. Someone who gets that being together and waking up together every day is a choice, one you have to continue to make and continue to commit to.

Date someone who wants what you want, who is open to the idea of the relationship you desire with another human being. You need to be with people who are open to what you have to give to them and are willing to match it. Someone who has communicated enough on the subject to know what you are looking for with someone, whether that be a fling, friends with benefits or a person to bring home to your parents or chosen family. Someone who isn’t afraid to give you what you want in life but also respects themselves enough to have standards and value what they need and deserve in this relationship (or even friendship!) Someone who isn’t afraid to let you know how they feel: about you, about life, about what’s important to them, about the future or about whatever is on their mind.

Life is short, so you shouldn’t waste it on someone who doesn’t understand you, refuses to try and get you, won’t put in the time for you, who is rude to you, your friends or to other people and doesn’t even call you. Don’t worry about if they read, if they don’t read, if they watch movies or if they’re into the wrong kind of music; worry about whether they care that you do. Details are important, but if the world ends this year, it’ll be more important to say you wasted the time you have left with someone who cares.