How apt ha.

How, how apt,

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10200331925474577&set=vb.1047651528&type=2&theater


At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do it to stop. Leave them alone, walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't have try. It's just you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

It's time I gather all my courage and do things for myself.

13th

Happy 13th Month,

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

I remember this since i was a kid, 10 years christian school (:

Stay Strong Jack, Stay strong. 

What ever will be, will be.

A simple wish would have been nice.

Murphy's Law

The start of Apr has not been good, phone spoil, knock my friend's car. The only good thing is YOU.
Thank you for being there. I think i am starting to communicate more. I am not good at putting my feelings into words but now i am starting to get the hang of it. I am slowly trying. Today, i told YOU stuff that i wanted to say for sometime but never really had the chance to. That again is something i need to work on.

I hope you get where i am coming from. We cannot be going back to how we were back then if not the result will be the same at the end of the day. I want to change for the better and also I want the best for you! I want you to tell me everything, rant!, small little nitty gritty stuff, Because to me, I feel that when you tell me all these, i get to know to you react to situations, what are your opnions, how you think, what you are thinking. that is what matter the most. I really want to get to know you more. I understand you but I dont think i know you well enough.  I want to be your best friend, your soulmate. I want you to tell me stuff so that i can tell you mine also. It is good that i am opening up and trying to tell you stuff.  It is good for the start. I also hope that you would be truthful to me and dont hide stuff from me, cause it will again bring us back to where we were. I want us to come to a point where we can blatantly ask each other questions and we can give our honest opinions and truth, cause we know what the truth will set us free and we can forgive and forget. We should not be judging each other or rather we should behave like adults and put things into perspectives, We need to move on and make it work. We need to rebuild our relationship based on the new things that we found and what each other is looking for.  I know you are trying very hard and i see your effort and i am really very proud of you. It must have been hard for you but this will help you grow. You are 21 already, entering into adulthood. There will come a stage when you get more mature, step into unfamiliar ground and get out of your comfort zone. That is when you finally know what you want out of life. It is not shameful to not to know what you want now. It will take sometime and what you thought you want now might change as time pass, when you gain new knowledge and view things differently. No one is certain of the future, what is certain is you have to respond to situation, rather than react to it.

What can I do about it that will help the situation?

Have you heard of the Cockroach Theory for Self Development?

At a restaurant, a cockroach suddenly flew from somewhere and sat on a lady. She started screaming out of fear. With a panic stricken face and trembling voice, she started jumping, with both her hands desperately trying to get rid of the cockroach.

Her reaction was contagious, as everyone in her group also got panicky.

The lady finally managed to push the cockroach away but ...it landed on another lady in the group.

Now, it was the turn of the other lady in the group to continue the drama.

The waiter rushed forward to their rescue.
In the relay of throwing, the cockroach next fell upon the waiter.

The waiter stood firm, composed himself and observed the behavior of the cockroach on his shirt.
When he was confident enough, he grabbed it with his fingers and threw it out of the restaurant.

Sipping my coffee and watching the amusement, the antenna of my mind picked up a few thoughts and started wondering, was the cockroach responsible for their histrionic behavior?
If so, then why was the waiter not disturbed?
He handled it near to perfection, without any chaos.

It is not the cockroach, but the inability of the ladies to handle the disturbance caused by the cockroach that disturbed the ladies.

I realized that, it is not the shouting of my father or my boss or my wife that disturbs me, but it's my inability to handle the disturbances caused by their shouting that disturbs me.

It's not the traffic jams on the road that disturbs me, but my
inability to handle the disturbance caused by the traffic jam that disturbs me.

More than the problem, it's my reaction to the problem that creates chaos in my life.

Lessons learnt from the story:
I understood, I should not react in life.
I should always respond.
The women reacted, whereas the waiter responded.

Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always well thought of, just and right to save a situation from going out of hands, to avoid cracks in relationship, to avoid taking decisions in anger, anxiety, stress or hurry.

 I hope you give me the chance to be there to lend you a helping hand. to see you grow, to see you stepping out of your comfort zone. I hope you can help me grow too. 

I dont know if you have read this but take sometime of to if you do see this post somehow, someday

 http://elitedaily.com/elite/2012/20-good-habits-start-20s/?utm_source=rss

With that being said, lets work hard for our finals and our relationship! I might be spending more time on the books and might neglect you for awhile. I guess this is more important at hand now. Stay strong my love, you can do it! 

Love you,R

Jack

Lets go

Actually I am very happy with how things are now, LIKE SERIOUSLY, FREAKING HAPPY, I can really see that you are trying! I really hope things will turn out for the better! ((: Work has been piling up and i am feeling the heat. Lets brave this journey through together! ((:

Love you, R

Meaningful

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.
-Bob Marley

You never know, one day, he might just walk out of your life or diseases might take him out one day and that is when you start to regret why you never treasure him in the first place.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=418934128202591

Random thoughts

But the reality was that you could never love me back. 
You were still in love with someone else. 
You were only in love with the idea that I loved you so much. 
No one else had loved you the way I did, and you loved that, not me. 

How true is that?  
Are we being selfish here? 
I guess at the end of the day only time will tell. 
You have to start loving yourself too (:
 
At the end of the day , who wouldnt want someone who would do the same for them. 
Stay strong jack. (: 

Boys

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/7-things-you-should-know-about-boys/

Boys have feelings too. Having held boys sobbing through heartache, or watched as they stoically continued with their life only to find out months or even years later that they’ve been screaming inside, boys aren’t all the heartless bastards girls often brand them as. They hurt too, and by golly, can they cry. Just because one boy screwed you over, don’t paint them all with the same jerk brush, or any jerk brush at all. Everyone hurts someone sometimes, and everyone hurts.

I guess, afterall, there is always a Boy inside a man.
 
Somehow feeling hype up by dance. Never really a performing arts person, it is nice to try new things once in a while. (:

Emotional

This month is the month of losing things, first 5 years beloved Red pencil and now my iphone cable. LOL seriously. As i tried to study this sunday afternoon, I came across this:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=113783305482853&set=vb.219494334779597&type=2&theater

I always know how you like surprises even though it is very hard to surprise you.

Love is not a big thing, but a collage of small little things.

Dancing is really something i enjoy, I think it makes me sweat, feel tired, but at the end of the day, you will feel good when you dance well. Maybe I will never stop dancing. Picking up a new hobby might be fun. Chase your dreams for you not live to see tomorrow.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish you would pay attention to the little details too.
Sometimes I wish you could cheer me up when I am feeling down too.
Sometimes I wish you could show some affection.
Sometimes I wish you encourage me a little.
Sometimes I wish you would stay up and talk to me, or rant, or update me about your life.
Sometimes we all need a little love, a little affirmation.


I am not asking for much really, i just want to have someone who would fight for me, who would do nice things for me, who would cheer me up when I am down, you dont need to do much, just take me out for ice cream, tell me stupid joke, or just make and effort to. I am not very good in expressing myself but that is just me. Sometimes I hope you would also put yourself into my shoes and think from my pov, instead of getting frustrated with me. I am but a little cactus, I dont need a lot of water(care) but with apporiate water and sunlight, I may bloom you flowers ((:

The Rich Vs The Poor

Sometimes I really envious those kids that are born into rich family. They have the luxury of everything. Fresh milk, piano lessons, sit in cars, wear nice clothes. Though these may be superficial but then again, they never have to worry about money. Although their parents might be reluctant to give them the money, but when it comes to stuff like overseas programme etc, when large sum of money is involve, parents will be more than willing and are able to support them. You may ask why am i so concern, its about making the best out of your situation. 

Recently I got accepted for summer sch, but the large sum involve will only brings more burden to the family. So I decided to give it a miss, decided to save up and go on a grad trip. Afterall my purpose of going there is not really to study but to experience the life there, but then again, i guess its a trade off. I rather work hard myself than to source for money here and there and end up having to worry about it when i am there.

Actually I am glad in a way that I was not born into a rich family, because it got me to understand the true value of money and it does not come easy. I guess this will be motivation I have with me and that is to work hard for myself and my family, I also do not want my children to suffer the same fate as me. Yes, i will make sure they learn that money is not easy but at the same time i do not want that because of money, their life is impeded. I can support them first, while they pay me back later. So right now, I will just have to work twice as hard. 

Stay Strong, Jack, you can do this.

Funeral

Sometimes I find post on thought catalog quite relate-able.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/im-at-a-funeral/


The part where the author mentions that her grandmother passed away. That pretty much sums up my emotions than, but apart from that I am really glad that my close friends came down and try to cheer me up, distracted me from the grief.

I like the last part:

I know that life never really prepares you for things like this until they happen, but maybe if I had a little more practice, a little more exposure to it, death and dying and wakes and funerals would not feel as overwhelming to me as they do right now.

I guess, life did taught me a valuable lesson. I would say that I have grown. Grown to be more independent, more of a big brother, more of a son that my parents would be proud of.

Surprise

Yesterday was the last surprise for your birthday. I hope you like it. I remember asking you what do you want for your birthday? You said: " I want both of my best friends here! NOW!" But you knew it was impossible. But i kept that in mind, and when jan said she wanted to surprise you, then i thought would be nice if we concoct a plan tgt. Knowing it's very hard to surprise you, so this plan was done in a very discreet manner, I don't think you even suspect anything. ((:

I know sometimes in life, there are problems where I cannot help you in, what i can certainly do is to go through it with you. Seeing you grow, for anything else, you have your best friend now! ((: This mark the end of your 21 surprises. (never really kept count) but hope you enjoy your big day. I hope you will remember this sweet memory down the road.

I came across this post " why do we pin hopes on those who disappoint us, and feel nothing more than gratefulness for those who never fail to be there" Ironic isn't it? Maybe somehow we take it for granted that the person will always be there, i think we will only realise when that person leave us. Maybe we see a hope in those who disappoint, we feel that we can make a difference, we feel that if we dont, no one else will. We feel the challenge. Whereas at the back of our mind, we might have someone in mind as our safety net, someone we know will always be there. But how long can one actually be there for you? Wont they stray? wont they get tired? I guess it pretty much depends on the individual. Some may call them being silly, while others are angry at the foolishness. Then again, it is different when you are in it, and when you are not. Something to think about yea?

Across clear skies. Among glowing stars. That's where I'll find us.

Just give me a reason

Right from the startYou were a thiefYou stole my heartAnd I your willing victimI let you see the parts of meThat weren't all that prettyAnd with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep oh ohThings you never say to me oh ohTell me that you've had enoughOf our love, our love
(Chorus)Just give me a reasonJust a little bit's enoughJust a second we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
It's in the starsIt's been written in the scars on our heartsThat we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understandWhere all of this is coming fromI thought that we were fine(Oh we had everything)Your head is running wild againMy dear we still have everythin'And it's all in your mind(Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh ohYou used to lie so close to me oh ohThere's nothing more than empty sheetsBetween our love, our loveOh our love, our love
(Chorus)Just give me a reasonJust a little bit's enoughJust a second we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
I never stoppedYou're still written in the scars on my heartYou're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
Oh tear ducts and rustI'll fix it for usWe're collecting dustBut our love's enough
You're holding it inYou're pouring a drinkNo nothing is as bad as it seemsWe'll come clean
(Chorus)Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the starsIt's been written in the scars on our heartsThat we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
Just give me a reasonJust a little bit's enoughJust a second we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
It's in the starsIt's been written in the scars on our heartsThat we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love againOh we can learn to love againOh we can learn to love again oh ohThat we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again

Doors of happiness

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” -Hellen keller

So have you already found that door?

After life

As I sit here alone in my room, I thought about life. What life really is and how everyone live theirs. Today, as I send grandmother on her last journey, I saw how fragile life can be, you are just like a prepaid card, living each day with a stored amount in it. You never know how much there is in stored for you, you just have to live everyday as though it is your last I guess. When the value runs out, so do you. You either get send into an incenerator or  get buried. Like a prepaid card, sometimes you are allowed to be topped up, that is equivalent to a 2nd chance in life. But how many 2nd chance do you actually get? Life itself contains a series of trials and errors. There is no standard way of living one. No one tells you how to live, you figure out how to live. Some figure what they want early while others may take their entire life figuring out who they are. I guess this five days have been really tough. I never imagined myself in such situation. I thought I was prepared but I lost it when I was at the hospital. I always asked myself what if that day I ask grandmother to stay over, would it make a different? Would history be rewritten? That's one regret I have. This will follow me a long way and remind me that I should live a live with no regret from now onwards.  Thankfully, I was able to get a grip myself and be strong for the family. As the only son, it's my responsibility to take care of my family when I grow up. I want to do it and I know exactly how I am going to do it. I need to study hard  and get a good job so as to provide for my family as well as being able to start a family myself. I am already 23, and it's time to make some decisions. I am independent but t the same Time I hope to have someone by my side to go through this with me. I understand that there will come a time I will be along.I have to go through this myself, I guess I have done it? I am not sure but something I am sure about and that is dont try to be someone that you are not . You are who you are and those who love you will embrace you.

My dearest pig, if you ever do read this post, I just want to let you know that this few days I have been thinking a lot about us too, how we spend our lives together for the pass year and the half. Despite the negativity recently,  I have never regretted asking you to be my girlfriend. You always ask what I see in you. I dunno how to explain. But I guess I am able to now. You are a very special girl. A pretty and intelligent one. You have your own expectations, your own ideal partner in life. You thought me how to think for myself as well as to think about others. " you don't live your life for other，you live your life for yourself and you live through with your partner" I will never forget this. Or rather I have never forgotten anything you said to me because you are one who matter. I have my own thoughts, opnion, and advise. I am capable to saying them. Trust me, ask me, talk to me. You'd surprise. If things doesn't turn out idealy like what I said in the letter, we know we have tried, we know we given out best, just that maybe the time is not right, the feeling is not right, the person is not right. Only time will tell who's right. And who is good and is meant for you. I am very happy and proud that you have taken step to want a change in your life. Starting to dance was probably the best thing I thought have happened and I am happy that I was part of it. Although, you grumble and angst about dance, you know deep down you enjoy it and is happy to know what you are actually capable of something if you put your heart and soul into it. Did you realise your commitment issues improved? You haven really skip dance no matter what, you need to adapt to committement, and you are capable of it. I am so proud of you too! Stay strong my dearest. Till then just so you know, you will always have a special place in my heart.

I love you, R
I love you ah ma, and may you bless my family and her. May you rest in peace and enjoy your afterlife happily,

With love,
Ah di.

Silent

They say people think more at night. For me now, it's just the wake, the mantra on radio, and me and my aunt. While she lay there asleep. Here I am, alone, thinking about life. It has struck me that I need to start making decisions in my life, so as not be bother others even if I die. This whole wake has been a fight among the siblings with regards to monetary matter. Seriously, when ah ma is alive, you quarrel about $, when she die already, you all are still fight over it. Grow up will you all. Seriously? I know a lof of cost is involve, just do an accurate account than after deduction of the bai jin, let everyone know if they have to pay? It's just that simple. Why must you all value money more than kinship! I don't understand. 

I ask myself what would have happen if I asked her to stay over that night, will the story ended up TH same way? At least she did eat the strawberries I bought before she move on. I think if I never do that, I will regret my whole life. Life is so fragile. Thank you for coming down today, it really did make me happy. It's little things like that keeps the relationship going! You really did grow up I feel throughout this whole saga. I hope you understand now what is right and wrong. How to stand up for yourself, etc. I think there so much to say but to keeping this short. 

I love you, R. 

First

It has been a long time since I last saw him cry. The last time was when I was young and when his 3rd brother's wife passed away. This time it was different. My family isn't very well to do, at some point of time, he got in and out of work. I used to hate his temper because it often got him retrenched. When I grew up, I start to understand the stress he is going through. Being the head of the house, the whole burden is on him, he got so stressed out that he started to smoke again.

I guess it has been really hard for him, wanting to provide for the family but he just couldn't. Today, as the whole maternal side family struggle with monetary issue, it's time to stress again. Each family is suppose to fork out $500, to other it might not be a lot. But to a family like us, it should mean maybe half a month worth of food. My mother ask if that amount can be paid through installment, but sadly my aunt say there no such stuff. My father also have problem coughing out the money. As stressed out as he is, help came. Ah ma blessing to our family was too I don't know what to say but yea. He strike a lottery. It was our house unit number. The number where ah ma spend her last happy time there. My regret is I didn't ask her to stay over that night. He broke down into tears, touched by how ah ma still bless us even she is no longer with us. I will never forget today where I know how hard he has fought to bring up this family. Don't worry, the family still has me. He is my hero, he is my father.

Fragile life

For the first time in my life after growing up to 23 years. I have a first hand experience of death. My beloved grandmother. She pass on peacefully today at 1.53pm. A lot of emotion stuck me along the way and I called you to come by my side cause I was lost. I never thought I would get caught in such situation that soon. Thank you for you care and concern and advice. You are pretty mature in that aspect I must say. Picturing what you would do. I will stay strong and be the pillar of strength for this family.

Sometimes I guess when do all the relatives gather. To me there are only two event, birth and death. That's when almost everyone comes together and actually htht so to speak. Today I talk to my youngest cousin. He is so smart. He talk to me about zombie apocalypse, and ask me do I believe that burning the joss paper will actually reach grandmother. I told him I guess people burn for a hope, although some may be skeptical but at the end of the day, they all hope that this would somehow reach the decreased, and in a way letting the decreased know that they are not forgotten. Just now as I was folding then,  I felt someone touch my head, I turn around only my nother was inside but I don't think it was her. It may sound scary but I guess to me, she is my grandmother after all. Till then. I have lots of time to think about life and I guess is about time I do something about it.

Lonely night

Somehow, I just wished you would appear right now to give me a hug, not a virtual one.
Waking up in the middle, having the heart stinging sensation is not cool at all. But all is well i will stay strong.