Emotional

This month is the month of losing things, first 5 years beloved Red pencil and now my iphone cable. LOL seriously. As i tried to study this sunday afternoon, I came across this:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=113783305482853&set=vb.219494334779597&type=2&theater

I always know how you like surprises even though it is very hard to surprise you.

Love is not a big thing, but a collage of small little things.

Dancing is really something i enjoy, I think it makes me sweat, feel tired, but at the end of the day, you will feel good when you dance well. Maybe I will never stop dancing. Picking up a new hobby might be fun. Chase your dreams for you not live to see tomorrow.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish you would pay attention to the little details too.
Sometimes I wish you could cheer me up when I am feeling down too.
Sometimes I wish you could show some affection.
Sometimes I wish you encourage me a little.
Sometimes I wish you would stay up and talk to me, or rant, or update me about your life.
Sometimes we all need a little love, a little affirmation.


I am not asking for much really, i just want to have someone who would fight for me, who would do nice things for me, who would cheer me up when I am down, you dont need to do much, just take me out for ice cream, tell me stupid joke, or just make and effort to. I am not very good in expressing myself but that is just me. Sometimes I hope you would also put yourself into my shoes and think from my pov, instead of getting frustrated with me. I am but a little cactus, I dont need a lot of water(care) but with apporiate water and sunlight, I may bloom you flowers ((:

The Rich Vs The Poor

Sometimes I really envious those kids that are born into rich family. They have the luxury of everything. Fresh milk, piano lessons, sit in cars, wear nice clothes. Though these may be superficial but then again, they never have to worry about money. Although their parents might be reluctant to give them the money, but when it comes to stuff like overseas programme etc, when large sum of money is involve, parents will be more than willing and are able to support them. You may ask why am i so concern, its about making the best out of your situation. 

Recently I got accepted for summer sch, but the large sum involve will only brings more burden to the family. So I decided to give it a miss, decided to save up and go on a grad trip. Afterall my purpose of going there is not really to study but to experience the life there, but then again, i guess its a trade off. I rather work hard myself than to source for money here and there and end up having to worry about it when i am there.

Actually I am glad in a way that I was not born into a rich family, because it got me to understand the true value of money and it does not come easy. I guess this will be motivation I have with me and that is to work hard for myself and my family, I also do not want my children to suffer the same fate as me. Yes, i will make sure they learn that money is not easy but at the same time i do not want that because of money, their life is impeded. I can support them first, while they pay me back later. So right now, I will just have to work twice as hard. 

Stay Strong, Jack, you can do this.

Funeral

Sometimes I find post on thought catalog quite relate-able.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/im-at-a-funeral/


The part where the author mentions that her grandmother passed away. That pretty much sums up my emotions than, but apart from that I am really glad that my close friends came down and try to cheer me up, distracted me from the grief.

I like the last part:

I know that life never really prepares you for things like this until they happen, but maybe if I had a little more practice, a little more exposure to it, death and dying and wakes and funerals would not feel as overwhelming to me as they do right now.

I guess, life did taught me a valuable lesson. I would say that I have grown. Grown to be more independent, more of a big brother, more of a son that my parents would be proud of.

Surprise

Yesterday was the last surprise for your birthday. I hope you like it. I remember asking you what do you want for your birthday? You said: " I want both of my best friends here! NOW!" But you knew it was impossible. But i kept that in mind, and when jan said she wanted to surprise you, then i thought would be nice if we concoct a plan tgt. Knowing it's very hard to surprise you, so this plan was done in a very discreet manner, I don't think you even suspect anything. ((:

I know sometimes in life, there are problems where I cannot help you in, what i can certainly do is to go through it with you. Seeing you grow, for anything else, you have your best friend now! ((: This mark the end of your 21 surprises. (never really kept count) but hope you enjoy your big day. I hope you will remember this sweet memory down the road.

I came across this post " why do we pin hopes on those who disappoint us, and feel nothing more than gratefulness for those who never fail to be there" Ironic isn't it? Maybe somehow we take it for granted that the person will always be there, i think we will only realise when that person leave us. Maybe we see a hope in those who disappoint, we feel that we can make a difference, we feel that if we dont, no one else will. We feel the challenge. Whereas at the back of our mind, we might have someone in mind as our safety net, someone we know will always be there. But how long can one actually be there for you? Wont they stray? wont they get tired? I guess it pretty much depends on the individual. Some may call them being silly, while others are angry at the foolishness. Then again, it is different when you are in it, and when you are not. Something to think about yea?

Across clear skies. Among glowing stars. That's where I'll find us.

Just give me a reason

Right from the startYou were a thiefYou stole my heartAnd I your willing victimI let you see the parts of meThat weren't all that prettyAnd with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep oh ohThings you never say to me oh ohTell me that you've had enoughOf our love, our love
(Chorus)Just give me a reasonJust a little bit's enoughJust a second we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
It's in the starsIt's been written in the scars on our heartsThat we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understandWhere all of this is coming fromI thought that we were fine(Oh we had everything)Your head is running wild againMy dear we still have everythin'And it's all in your mind(Yeah but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams oh ohYou used to lie so close to me oh ohThere's nothing more than empty sheetsBetween our love, our loveOh our love, our love
(Chorus)Just give me a reasonJust a little bit's enoughJust a second we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
I never stoppedYou're still written in the scars on my heartYou're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
Oh tear ducts and rustI'll fix it for usWe're collecting dustBut our love's enough
You're holding it inYou're pouring a drinkNo nothing is as bad as it seemsWe'll come clean
(Chorus)Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the starsIt's been written in the scars on our heartsThat we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
Just give me a reasonJust a little bit's enoughJust a second we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again
It's in the starsIt's been written in the scars on our heartsThat we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love againOh we can learn to love againOh we can learn to love again oh ohThat we're not broken just bentAnd we can learn to love again

Doors of happiness

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” -Hellen keller

So have you already found that door?

After life

As I sit here alone in my room, I thought about life. What life really is and how everyone live theirs. Today, as I send grandmother on her last journey, I saw how fragile life can be, you are just like a prepaid card, living each day with a stored amount in it. You never know how much there is in stored for you, you just have to live everyday as though it is your last I guess. When the value runs out, so do you. You either get send into an incenerator or  get buried. Like a prepaid card, sometimes you are allowed to be topped up, that is equivalent to a 2nd chance in life. But how many 2nd chance do you actually get? Life itself contains a series of trials and errors. There is no standard way of living one. No one tells you how to live, you figure out how to live. Some figure what they want early while others may take their entire life figuring out who they are. I guess this five days have been really tough. I never imagined myself in such situation. I thought I was prepared but I lost it when I was at the hospital. I always asked myself what if that day I ask grandmother to stay over, would it make a different? Would history be rewritten? That's one regret I have. This will follow me a long way and remind me that I should live a live with no regret from now onwards.  Thankfully, I was able to get a grip myself and be strong for the family. As the only son, it's my responsibility to take care of my family when I grow up. I want to do it and I know exactly how I am going to do it. I need to study hard  and get a good job so as to provide for my family as well as being able to start a family myself. I am already 23, and it's time to make some decisions. I am independent but t the same Time I hope to have someone by my side to go through this with me. I understand that there will come a time I will be along.I have to go through this myself, I guess I have done it? I am not sure but something I am sure about and that is dont try to be someone that you are not . You are who you are and those who love you will embrace you.

My dearest pig, if you ever do read this post, I just want to let you know that this few days I have been thinking a lot about us too, how we spend our lives together for the pass year and the half. Despite the negativity recently,  I have never regretted asking you to be my girlfriend. You always ask what I see in you. I dunno how to explain. But I guess I am able to now. You are a very special girl. A pretty and intelligent one. You have your own expectations, your own ideal partner in life. You thought me how to think for myself as well as to think about others. " you don't live your life for other，you live your life for yourself and you live through with your partner" I will never forget this. Or rather I have never forgotten anything you said to me because you are one who matter. I have my own thoughts, opnion, and advise. I am capable to saying them. Trust me, ask me, talk to me. You'd surprise. If things doesn't turn out idealy like what I said in the letter, we know we have tried, we know we given out best, just that maybe the time is not right, the feeling is not right, the person is not right. Only time will tell who's right. And who is good and is meant for you. I am very happy and proud that you have taken step to want a change in your life. Starting to dance was probably the best thing I thought have happened and I am happy that I was part of it. Although, you grumble and angst about dance, you know deep down you enjoy it and is happy to know what you are actually capable of something if you put your heart and soul into it. Did you realise your commitment issues improved? You haven really skip dance no matter what, you need to adapt to committement, and you are capable of it. I am so proud of you too! Stay strong my dearest. Till then just so you know, you will always have a special place in my heart.

I love you, R
I love you ah ma, and may you bless my family and her. May you rest in peace and enjoy your afterlife happily,

With love,
Ah di.

Silent

They say people think more at night. For me now, it's just the wake, the mantra on radio, and me and my aunt. While she lay there asleep. Here I am, alone, thinking about life. It has struck me that I need to start making decisions in my life, so as not be bother others even if I die. This whole wake has been a fight among the siblings with regards to monetary matter. Seriously, when ah ma is alive, you quarrel about $, when she die already, you all are still fight over it. Grow up will you all. Seriously? I know a lof of cost is involve, just do an accurate account than after deduction of the bai jin, let everyone know if they have to pay? It's just that simple. Why must you all value money more than kinship! I don't understand. 

I ask myself what would have happen if I asked her to stay over that night, will the story ended up TH same way? At least she did eat the strawberries I bought before she move on. I think if I never do that, I will regret my whole life. Life is so fragile. Thank you for coming down today, it really did make me happy. It's little things like that keeps the relationship going! You really did grow up I feel throughout this whole saga. I hope you understand now what is right and wrong. How to stand up for yourself, etc. I think there so much to say but to keeping this short. 

I love you, R. 

First

It has been a long time since I last saw him cry. The last time was when I was young and when his 3rd brother's wife passed away. This time it was different. My family isn't very well to do, at some point of time, he got in and out of work. I used to hate his temper because it often got him retrenched. When I grew up, I start to understand the stress he is going through. Being the head of the house, the whole burden is on him, he got so stressed out that he started to smoke again.

I guess it has been really hard for him, wanting to provide for the family but he just couldn't. Today, as the whole maternal side family struggle with monetary issue, it's time to stress again. Each family is suppose to fork out $500, to other it might not be a lot. But to a family like us, it should mean maybe half a month worth of food. My mother ask if that amount can be paid through installment, but sadly my aunt say there no such stuff. My father also have problem coughing out the money. As stressed out as he is, help came. Ah ma blessing to our family was too I don't know what to say but yea. He strike a lottery. It was our house unit number. The number where ah ma spend her last happy time there. My regret is I didn't ask her to stay over that night. He broke down into tears, touched by how ah ma still bless us even she is no longer with us. I will never forget today where I know how hard he has fought to bring up this family. Don't worry, the family still has me. He is my hero, he is my father.

Fragile life

For the first time in my life after growing up to 23 years. I have a first hand experience of death. My beloved grandmother. She pass on peacefully today at 1.53pm. A lot of emotion stuck me along the way and I called you to come by my side cause I was lost. I never thought I would get caught in such situation that soon. Thank you for you care and concern and advice. You are pretty mature in that aspect I must say. Picturing what you would do. I will stay strong and be the pillar of strength for this family.

Sometimes I guess when do all the relatives gather. To me there are only two event, birth and death. That's when almost everyone comes together and actually htht so to speak. Today I talk to my youngest cousin. He is so smart. He talk to me about zombie apocalypse, and ask me do I believe that burning the joss paper will actually reach grandmother. I told him I guess people burn for a hope, although some may be skeptical but at the end of the day, they all hope that this would somehow reach the decreased, and in a way letting the decreased know that they are not forgotten. Just now as I was folding then,  I felt someone touch my head, I turn around only my nother was inside but I don't think it was her. It may sound scary but I guess to me, she is my grandmother after all. Till then. I have lots of time to think about life and I guess is about time I do something about it.

Lonely night

Somehow, I just wished you would appear right now to give me a hug, not a virtual one.
Waking up in the middle, having the heart stinging sensation is not cool at all. But all is well i will stay strong.

Love in 6 paragraphs.

Love, In Five Paragraphs

MAR. 16, 2013 

By BRIANNA WIEST

I believe you are my person. I love you, even though you don’t love me. I love you, even though there’s nothing in it for me anymore. There’s just loving you, but that’s enough for me. I find you to be one of the most exquisite humans I’ve ever met, and knowing you is all it takes to love you. I don’t need anything in return. Getting to be acquainted with your intelligence, depth, understanding, endurance, humor, wisdom, (I could go on), is what love is, and it’s why I choose to love you so intently.

Thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself. I pushed away because I believed that I wasn’t worthy of love. I came back because I thought you were the only person who cared.

But you weren’t, and you’re not. You were, however, the person with whom I fell most intensely in love. You reached inside of me and made me feel. And with that, your love made every bit of my unhealed heart and soul surface. And it was all left between us. I believe I’ve healed a lot of it, but there’s always a ways to go. The point is: I credit you for being the catalyst of my transformation. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I believe that love is the essence of everyone. But in the context of being between two people, it is also a verb. And an action is a choice. Physical feelings are just that—physical. But attraction of the mind, heart, spirit—that’s miraculous. And when you choose to love another unconditionally, without judgment, and regardless of what’s in it for yourself, that’s the fairy tale.

I think you need to learn to love yourself as much as I do. And I hope you do that. I will always be close, regardless of distance. I’m always a phone call or a memory away, loving you, and hoping you find peace, love, happiness and whatever else will fill you up and make your life most worth living. Thank you for gracing my life. Please accept this as a token of my love and gratitude, and know that what we shared was beyond what language can construct. So far, this is the best I can do. 

 The 6th paragraph(s),
I want you to make up your mind, not change it. You need to know what you really want and no one can help you in that. Don't feel obligated to stay with me cause of everything I have done. I did them out of love. There are small little things that I done, Like refilling your bottle when it's empty and you have to rush for lessons. Help you check out your lessons venues, getting xuan to wake you up when you have important stuff on while you take your nap. No matter how tired i am i will stay up to make sure you are okay because i would never sleep well either. Tuck you into bed when you are cold., Take care of you when you are sick. Make breakfast for you, get you small little surprises, watch shows with you, fix your bracelets, your bags borrow books for you while i am away to keep you occupied, nuaing around doing random stupid stuff. go shopping with you, go groceries shopping together.Making cards and stuff on anniversaries to show you that i really treasure this relationship. I did all these because i love you. I never ask for anything in return even knowing maybe there is nothing in it for me. I am not stupid nor blinded by love. I guess this is what you do when you truly love the person. I want you to be happy, for if you are happy, I will be.

Love is a funny thing, you can spend a long time with someone, but when it really connects, you just need to spend a month with the other and it felt like ages. You cannot force yourself to love someone. Stay because you hope that there will be a future between us, not because you feel obligated to do so after I have done so much for you. Yes, i will be sad, i will cry like there is no tommorow but time will heal. And when time comes, you may have figured out what you want. You may realise that all these while what you are looking for is just right in front of you. That's when our relationship will progress. Eventually, I may not be the guy, there will be someone out there who you love not sure if as much as me but they will do the exact same thing. I think it will be a nice feeling if both does the same for each other in their own ways. So far to be honest, i never really felt that till recently where you cook me breakfast, you buy sushi to surprise me. I really appreciates that.

Ultimately, if you do choose to stay, i hope it is something that you want to.  Leave when you need to. or I will leave when time is up. My presence is not doing you any good cause I never stop loving, but for you, you might feel pressured. Thinking that you should stay cause you "owe" me. No one owes nobody. From the very first day we talk, I knew you were special and I just knew I needed to talk to you for I don't want to regret for the rest of my life. I am glad that i did it. I never regretted. If you do read this post, take sometime to thing, I am not forcing you to make a decision nor am i telling you what to do. I know you don't like it. I just want to both of us to be happy. Be it being together or not. For you always be that girl who holds a special place in my heart. Thank you for coming into my life.
I love you, R

What is cheating in a relationship/marriage?

Shared by Phillip Mudavanhu

Cheating doesn't mean you have to kiss, meet or have sex with a third party. Once you find yourself deleting texts and e-mails so your partner wont see them, you are already there. Its like a cancer it develops slowly but you will surely feel the pain when its fully grown. The funny thing is most of the times, people try to find what they already have because they don't just appreciate what they have. Remember the grass may look green on the other side but what if you could just invest time and energy by watering the one that you have. Wouldn't the world be a better place to be today?

Can you imagine how strong your relationship would be if you would not waste your energy, resources and time on things that have no future. Secret, small, hidden relationships are like ticks they suck all the good things out of your marriage or relationship and makes it unstable. it will take you more effort to repair what you would have damaged and the sad thing is sometimes those wounds might never heal.

Now with these so called social networks (Facebook, Skype, Whatsapp, Gtalk, iChat and many other platforms)- so many marriages and relationships are being damaged behind the scenes. Have you ever calculated the time that you invest in these social networks? What if that time can be used to promote those areas that you are struggling? Evaluate what the gain and losses that you have at the end of the day because in every conversation its either you are gaining or you are losing?

Stop sexting and flirting with those people- Yes you know them. Imagine your partner (Husband/wife) reading the messages that you receive, would he/she reply with a free heart on your behalf???? If the answer is NO, then that is an unhealthy chat/ talk that you are having Stop it before its too late. Some mistakes will cost you for a life time yet you could have just avoid them by just ignoring that chick/ dude who now loves you because you have been turned into a better 'asset' by your current partner. Where were they when you were struggling?

Please may you all get rid of all the parasitic relationships that will always be a treat to your relationships' healthy. Fight for what is right and never give up on the one you Love. Yes l said health because you have to know and take care of it just like your body. Love it as you love your body, maintain it as you maintain your skin, teeth, hair and nails. True love means hard-work. Do not apply if you are not prepared to take the risks. Stay out for a relationship if you still want to fool around (but that has its own price) because a relationship calls for great deal of commitment.

Most of the young people think that they will start being faithful when they get married- Word of Advise (You can never teach an old dog new tricks) That is why they are so many broken familes because people think they still have time to adjust. Start practicing being true to yourself when no one is watching because that's who you really are. Besides its by nature that what goes around comes around- Do you think the person that you got out of a secret affair will stop just because you are now with her/him?

Does nice guys always finish last?

Happiness in hard times

I have this book title "Happiness in Hard Times". I always read it when i am feeling very down cause somehow reading keeps me sane. I do not know if that is good or bad. Ha. In any case. Sometimes in life, people do not really know what they want. There will come where they will figure out but they just dont know when. This whole month have got me thinking of what I want out my life. Actually, up till this point, i am still uncertain of my future. Results aint that fantastic, Floorball seems to have stagnated. And Ah ma is not in the best of state. Love life has been going through a roller-coaster ride. Everything seems to be crumbing down. Murphy's law? HA.

My Ah ma plays a very special role to me. I remember when I was young, she always scolds me for being very talkative and problematic. I keep asking questions, why this, why that, which i think sort of irritated her. As i grew older, i talk lesser. and i think she starts to appreciates me. Now i am her most loved grandson. I guess sometimes in life, it takes a while for people to get to know you and like you. Tears well up as i type. i guess i cant carry on further. Something to share from the book

Nevertheless,  Acceptance is knowing your current situation and moving of'f' / on from there. not get stuck in in. I am trying my best. its tough, just take one step at a time. 5mins. 5mins.

Happiness

Sometimes in life, its the little things that matter. Your surprise sushi meant a lot to me. Probably i crossed your mind? Hahah. I am deeply appreciative of what she did. She cared for a friend like how I would. I guess thats what innate in you. No matter how much you angst, scold them, dont care about them. When they ask you for help you still will. Thats something i really like about you. That is just you.

I can really see you putting in the effort to try things. I am also giving in my 120%! Nobody knows what will happen in the future. One thing for sure. You will always hold a special part in my life. (:

Love, Jack

Hug

They say if you want to know how much a person love, hug or kiss and you will know. I always thought it was frivolous until today where I hug and i left the room crying silently.. It's not the same anymore. )':

Silent Love

"Sometimes it is the words that are unspoken that matter, because we never stop silently loving those who we once loved out loud”

You don't know the first thing about love

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/you-dont-know-the-first-thing-about-love/

I guess this post pretty much sums up everything. You need to know love before you can love. Love is not what can be said through words. It is the action that counts not the definition. Talk is cheap, that's why i always show by actions. If you happen to read this someday, take a step back, take sometime to think. I can be proud to say that I love you and i meant it with all my heart. Till the day, you say  I love you wholeheartedly, maybe not to me, it will be the day that you finally thought through what you want out in life and finally grow up.

I love you, R

Priorities

I guess there will be a time when priorities in your live change. Be it the goals you are perusing  the dreams you are living, the things you wan out of the relationship that you are in.

Being so easily available might not be a good choice after all, people tend to think that you are always there for them and you will never leave them. That is true to certain extent and it applies to either the lover or the best friend. What if one day, they are not around anymore, will you realise that they are gone? Are they important in your life? Will you ever hurt them? Can I really trust you?

Love

" Love is not about fear nor is it about possession". To me it is better to have loved than not. Over the seas of girls, you were the one that shine, the one that brightens up my day even with your drooling face. I guess it is not you that I do not trust, it is him that i dont. At the end of the day, i hope you are not blinded by love in a way. Do the right things, do the fair things, do the necessary thing. I may not be the one you love, but i am always there for you, there may come a day where i take my leave, dont miss me when i am gone, treasure me when i am around. Remember who was there with you during your lowest time, they are the one who deserve you at your brightest.

I love you, R

Letting go.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/how-we-let-people-go/

This very much sums up that letting go is not a loser mentality but a brave act.


Letting someone go — when it is a necessary act of self-preservation, something that has to come if you expect to move forward in life — is regarded as a kind of victory. You have successfully overcome an emotional trauma that once surrounded you like a kind of fog which prevented you from ever seeing the sun.

Of course, you never really forget anyone, but you certainly release them.

The people you will all in love in your 20s

I guess at the end of your day, people walk in and out of your life, you should continue to care for those that matter and let go for those that does not. At the end of the day, you never know who is falling for that smile.


http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/the-types-of-people-you-will-fall-in-love-with-in-your-20s/

I miss you

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-miss-you-already/

Got me thinking of how badly i miss you even though you are just right next to me. As clique as it may sounds but i generally get the idea of the greatest distance between each other is when you are right next to them but you cannot love them. Right now at this juncture, I have told myself in order for anything to work, I must have trust in you. I trust you, with all my heart. Take it and dont break it. 

Lost

It's so painful. I do not know what to do. You are still so close with him, He still text you things normal friends do not text. I seen it all, i choose to remain silent, not because i am giving in, but because you told me you will try but are you trying hard enough, that is what i want to know, i put my heart against the line again. It is okay if you choose to leave ultimately because you find someone better but for my sake, for you said you care, spare a thought for me. It is either you and him text lesser or ask him not to send those msges or I will leave and let things flow naturally. It so hurting and sad till the point I am totally lost.

The First

Today was the very first time someone cook breakfast for me other than my mom. I was deeply touched. I guess to me it is just this simple things that makes a big part of my life. I may not talk a lot but i observe a lot. I will work on that and perhaps you can work more on observing? Maybe there will be a point in the relationship where we do not have to communicate and by the slightest of actions, we will know what each other wants. That is what I call at the performing stage. It is not just the breakfast that touches my heart but your effort. I really appreciated it.

I love you, R

The end or the beginning?

If you are reading this, probably you would sometime in the near future. This is how i am feeling at current state:

Lost? or in denial? I really do not know what to feel anymore. I cannot differentiate what you say is the truth, or just a white lie? I only want the truth, even if it hurts. I want to hear the truth from you and no one else because you are the one that matters. You are the girl whom I really love, but to you i may just be that romantic friend. But ask yourself this question, have you ever loved me? Even a tiny little bit? If your answer is No, I guess there's really nothing much to talk about already. I cannot and do not want to change you for that would not be you anymore. If you keep wanting to see him and stuff, it probably meant that i was not as important as compared to him. It just meant that I have been your guardian angel for the past 1 year. I have no reason to stay any longer for there is a better man out there for you and I am willing to set you free.

It is not because I do not have a temper, it is just that i choose not to show, maybe this is something i did wrong throughout this relationship. You ask yourself another question again, when you are out with him, doing things we shared with him, what is running through your mind? Am I in it? Do you even feel guilty at all? I know deep down in your heart you do but sometimes you just choose to do it. My dear, do you know my heart is made up of human flesh and it does feel. Can you feel my pain? my hurt? my devastation? can you? I know you have been there and done that. Now that roles are switched, can you put yourself into my shoes and spare a thought about me? I only have this much to give, this much to love. Do not take them for granted! If you cannot bare to leave him and he cannot bare to leave you. I will help you make the decision. I will leave, and yes leave and never look back because i cannot take this pain anymore. I draining me out. You say you care about me, spare at thought about me, so when you are with him, what does that mean? I am insignificant? Yes, you say the problem lies with you but did you just settle with that or you tried to work on it? If me leaving will make you grow, I would, for I have taught you how to think, how to see things.

Yes, he might have made you think, make you questioned the underlying problem between us. Anyone could have done it, yes you are complicated but yet simple. In any case, i am not in any position to tell you what to do. You know it yourself what is right what is wrong. Do not be caught in between, do the right things and do it for those who cared and whom you cared.

If for the question about whether you ever loved me, and the answer is a yes, then i urge you to find it back, tell me what is missing and not others. I swear to you that i will make it work, we will make it work. At the end of the day, with so much being said and you still do not want to help yourself. I can only say my job is done here. I did what i promised you at my own will, If you haven realised, all that i promised you, I have done almost all.


I cared for you ( feed you medicines, take you to the doctor, tape your wounded leg so that you can bathe, use hot water bag to ease your cramps, when you have sore throat make honey water for you, so much more.
I loved you even if you throw your random tantrum and angst at me, maybe it's my fault that i give in too much

 Be there for you( wait for you after nussu then we hang out, went to support your first ever performance with nussu, let you angst about other ppl like dawn, etc.

 Do nice things for you ( bought tiramisu(jackangmissyou), wrote songs, poems and drew stuff to cheer you up and all, Use post it to make heart, use candles to make a heart to ask you to be my girlfriend, and so much more.

Cried with you over your first heart break( friends with benefit movie) and random emo days when you relive your memories. when uclas results was out, when you talk about your family and friends, when you watch sad movies.

Laugh with you over stupid videos, movies, random sleeptalk regarding makeup remover.

Threw you a 21st birthday party so years down the road you will not regret.

Yes, I done them all on my own accord and I am happy that I did it.

I have been there for almost everything till now and I am glad that you were there for me too. Maybe my role being there is because i see myself as your best friend, your boyfriend, your soulmate. For you, i am not sure. Now life presents you at a crossroad, you can either stay on at your own will, which means there are certain measures and actions that have to be taken or you can choose to leave. Because  staying will only bring about more pain and suffering. Do it because you want it not because you have to.

Tears rolled as memories flashed back, I guess sometimes people hold on to memories so dearly because that's the things that never change even if people do.

In the book of 5 people i met in heaven, there is this thing about sacrifice.

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you are not really losing it, you are just passing it on to someone else".

I guess it is time to give an ultimatum, if you cant make up your mind, I would. I will be sad, hurt but this is just part and parcel of growing up, I do not need to show, as for those who understands and cared will know even without me showing. Nevertheless, I have never regretted loving you. My only regret will be not being able to see this relationship blossom. If ultimately you choose to leave, i will give you my greatest blessing for you have found someone that is better than me, who will take over me and do all these stuff with you. With that,

I love you, R. 

Saying

Someone told me this:

"Yes, you can have someone else and yes you can have a better relationship with that person, in fact, there are many people you can have a better relationship with, rather than the current one. So it is all about being content, especially the current one is so nice to you. and the current one could do the same but he chose you"

I find it quite meaningful, but then again I thought to myself, where is the benchmark? or rather when should we feel contented? where is the end? If we do not experience better, we wont know that there is better. But i guess what would be better is that the person choose to stay with the latter and make the relationship better together.

"In relationship, you either gain a friend in life, or you get a lesson in life".

Part II

Moving on to the point of how much can one love?

For me, I think I am quite an emotional guy. I often dive into things too quickly and end up getting hurt pretty badly. I guess this is the first time I really experienced love. Maybe one sided but at the end of the day, it is always better to have loved than not to. I am truly glad that I met you. I was there for your heartbreak, to ease your heartbreak. I don't know if it was the right thing to but I know its the correct thing to do. being there as a friend. As the days goes by, feeling start to develop and things start to change. It all started out  with a forbidden forehead peck and things start to advance. Yup, it was not a very good start and you did told me not to get too serious but i did anyway, naively trying to use my actions to prove to you that I am serious about this relationship and hope you would sooner or later follow suit.

However, that was never the case. A trigger came and you soon realise that this is not what you wanted, I cannot give you what you want. That trigger might have catalyzed the underlying problem of us not being able to communicate effective, me not being able to give you intellectual talks. I admit that is the problem on my side. I do not talk much perhaps is just the way i was brought up. I was perpetually alone for a big part of my life. Yes, I have tonnes of friends and a few better ones and actually that's it What I really want out of a relationship is that my partner will love me, sometimes do nice things for me. care for me, ask me what's wrong when I maybe looking down, most importantly growing together. For your case, it never really did happen, you did nice things for me, waited for me to end training, cook for me and a lot more and I really appreciated them a lot. Somehow, love was always avoided. I think about a lot of stuff actually but just not sure how to sort that thought of mine out. I want to talk to you, i want you to listen critically and sincerely. I hope it;s not too late. I know you have make some grave mistakes with that trigger (I know, I really do). I guess it takes both hands to clap.

I know you and understand you well. Sometimes you did things that follow your heart but not your mind. It is perfectly okay, I never have and never will judge you for you are my beloved. Come to me, talk to me, talk it out with me, I want to know more about you. Listen to your inner mind. Do not talk to others what is meant solely for me or they would soon take over my job. You should do the right things even if it mean to hurt someone cause at the end of the day you know that its better to hurt them now rather than to hurt them later.My question to you is, is this really what you want? If you have thought through carefully and all and come and tell me this is what you want, I am willing to let go, set you free from all these pain. Yes, it is painful, it stings, it hurts but love is not about possession, its about seeing the person truly being happy. If there is someone whom i think can give her a better life, I will give me greatest blessing and I guess this may be the true meaning of love. With all that being said,  I hope you will make what is best for you cause i want the best for you. The best for you might not be the best for me but at the end of the day, I would be happy to see you find your true love. Till then, you will always hold a special place in my heart.

One can only love so much.

I must say thought catalog really have some good read. I do not know for the fact that if it is because of me relating them with my feelings, or they are just truths in generally. This post really struck me to think.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/do-you-love-her/

How much can one really love someone? I will come back to this.

Hi, I am back here again, I come to this realization that I only come back here when I am sad. Well, the truth is, it is actually quite true. Generally, when people are happy, they may tend to forget who they really are, forget things that they normally do at the expense of  happiness. However, this should not be the case, you should live for yourself and not for others, something that i learn recently. I think I really grown a lot from this, in terms of looking at things from different perspectives. Understanding, the true meaning of what certain things really are. I read this recently from the thought catalog and found it very meaningful.

 http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/inconvenient-truths-about-love/

 Love is never about possession, it is about loving one another unconditionally and setting each other free when necessary or when you feel that he/she would be better off without you. That being said, don't walk out on them, stay by them and see through their happy journey for you have did something great. The greatest love. As of now, nothing is certain and no one knows what will happen in the future. Worry when future comes, meanwhile, live life to the fullest and stay positive!!