Lost? or in denial? I really do not know what to feel anymore. I cannot differentiate what you say is the truth, or just a white lie? I only want the truth, even if it hurts. I want to hear the truth from you and no one else because you are the one that matters. You are the girl whom I really love, but to you i may just be that romantic friend. But ask yourself this question, have you ever loved me? Even a tiny little bit? If your answer is No, I guess there's really nothing much to talk about already. I cannot and do not want to change you for that would not be you anymore. If you keep wanting to see him and stuff, it probably meant that i was not as important as compared to him. It just meant that I have been your guardian angel for the past 1 year. I have no reason to stay any longer for there is a better man out there for you and I am willing to set you free.
It is not because I do not have a temper, it is just that i choose not to show, maybe this is something i did wrong throughout this relationship. You ask yourself another question again, when you are out with him, doing things we shared with him, what is running through your mind? Am I in it? Do you even feel guilty at all? I know deep down in your heart you do but sometimes you just choose to do it. My dear, do you know my heart is made up of human flesh and it does feel. Can you feel my pain? my hurt? my devastation? can you? I know you have been there and done that. Now that roles are switched, can you put yourself into my shoes and spare a thought about me? I only have this much to give, this much to love. Do not take them for granted! If you cannot bare to leave him and he cannot bare to leave you. I will help you make the decision. I will leave, and yes leave and never look back because i cannot take this pain anymore. I draining me out. You say you care about me, spare at thought about me, so when you are with him, what does that mean? I am insignificant? Yes, you say the problem lies with you but did you just settle with that or you tried to work on it? If me leaving will make you grow, I would, for I have taught you how to think, how to see things.
Yes, he might have made you think, make you questioned the underlying problem between us. Anyone could have done it, yes you are complicated but yet simple. In any case, i am not in any position to tell you what to do. You know it yourself what is right what is wrong. Do not be caught in between, do the right things and do it for those who cared and whom you cared.
If for the question about whether you ever loved me, and the answer is a yes, then i urge you to find it back, tell me what is missing and not others. I swear to you that i will make it work, we will make it work. At the end of the day, with so much being said and you still do not want to help yourself. I can only say my job is done here. I did what i promised you at my own will, If you haven realised, all that i promised you, I have done almost all.
I cared for you ( feed you medicines, take you to the doctor, tape your wounded leg so that you can bathe, use hot water bag to ease your cramps, when you have sore throat make honey water for you, so much more.
I loved you even if you throw your random tantrum and angst at me, maybe it's my fault that i give in too much
Be there for you( wait for you after nussu then we hang out, went to support your first ever performance with nussu, let you angst about other ppl like dawn, etc.
Do nice things for you ( bought tiramisu(jackangmissyou), wrote songs, poems and drew stuff to cheer you up and all, Use post it to make heart, use candles to make a heart to ask you to be my girlfriend, and so much more.
Cried with you over your first heart break( friends with benefit movie) and random emo days when you relive your memories. when uclas results was out, when you talk about your family and friends, when you watch sad movies.
Laugh with you over stupid videos, movies, random sleeptalk regarding makeup remover.
Threw you a 21st birthday party so years down the road you will not regret.
Yes, I done them all on my own accord and I am happy that I did it.
I have been there for almost everything till now and I am glad that you were there for me too. Maybe my role being there is because i see myself as your best friend, your boyfriend, your soulmate. For you, i am not sure. Now life presents you at a crossroad, you can either stay on at your own will, which means there are certain measures and actions that have to be taken or you can choose to leave. Because staying will only bring about more pain and suffering. Do it because you want it not because you have to.
Tears rolled as memories flashed back, I guess sometimes people hold on to memories so dearly because that's the things that never change even if people do.
In the book of 5 people i met in heaven, there is this thing about sacrifice.
"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you are not really losing it, you are just passing it on to someone else".
I guess it is time to give an ultimatum, if you cant make up your mind, I would. I will be sad, hurt but this is just part and parcel of growing up, I do not need to show, as for those who understands and cared will know even without me showing. Nevertheless, I have never regretted loving you. My only regret will be not being able to see this relationship blossom. If ultimately you choose to leave, i will give you my greatest blessing for you have found someone that is better than me, who will take over me and do all these stuff with you. With that,
I love you, R.
I love you, R.
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